So about life.

This post is to get out all my frustrations with myself right now.  I’m dealing with an insurmountable amount of self doubt right now over these shit choices i’ve made this week.  I will not go into detail, but i’ve gotten 4 tickets in three days, fucked up my practicing schedule, and gotten behind on my homework.  For one fucking reason, and it’s because I don’t believe that I’m doing the right thing.  That is fucked up beyond reason, for the simple fact that if I do not practice or do homework, it does nothing to anybody else except myself.  It builds on to the self doubt and fucks everything up that I’ve been working so hard to beat.  However, after talking with a friend, he said something that actually spoke to me. ‘Self-doubt is a cancer, it will kill your life if you let it.’  It hit me really deep because that what this feels like it is.  it’s a tumor in my brain that will absorb everything that is in there.  I could go in and get help, but that’s not my way, that is not how I do things.  I’m figuring out a lot of things about myself, and the only way I know how to beat it is to fix it myself.  And that what this blog is about, it’s about fixing myself.  So yeah.  Once a day, i’m going to try and fix this self doubt by remembering that nobody fucking cares what I do, and everything I do, I will do for me.  This sounds self centered and egotistical, but if we look at the scope of how big this fucking universe is, how small we are in scope to it, we can realize that anything we do, will not make a dent in that.  So why not do this for me? Why not recognize the fact that everything I do, good or bad, helpful or hurtful to others and myself is in fact going to benefit me in some way shape or form, whether its that day or 6 months down the road, it will help me.  Living this way is going to make things easier.