Worst part is I’m talking to nobody.

Even with that, it doesn’t stop me from doing this.  I talked to my ex tonight, worst decision I’ve made of the night other then drinking enough to get to that point.  Now, it may have been only 3 words that I said to her, but still that was enough to make me want to continue to get drunk enough to where it’s not that big of a deal.  I drink by myself.  it’s not a big deal to me,but it’s a big deal to society.

 I’ve never understood that, things that are a big deal to society that aren’t too me.  I’ve never understood the fact that people need to be part of this huge thing to make themselves feel better.  It’s not for me, never has been, never will be.  I assume that people think that I drink so much because of her, and that’s true, but that’s not the whole truth.  (God, it takes me half a fifth to get to be this honest with myself.)  It’s because I’m not confident with what I want to be.  For fuck’s sake, I want to be a music teacher.  I mean, dream higher.

 I want to be a music teacher for more than just the awesome breaks and great fucking tenure.  It’s because I want to change the world.  It’s because i realized at a young age, that it’s not the politicians that change the world, not the leaders that change the world, not the ministers that change the world.  It’s the people that get those young ones to think that way.  (Again, Rambling, but go fuck yourself if you care.)

 ”Great men are forged in fire, it is the privilege of lesser men to light the flame.” is the only quote that has stuck with me for longer then six months other then, ” you were born that’s a good day, someday you’ll die and that’s a shame.”  Now, I heard the first quote from Doctor Who, (sue me,), but still, it’s a powerful quote.  I’ve felt this way for mostly my entire life.  That I’m a lesser man, that I won’t equivocate to anything.  I’ve come to terms with that, it’s a sad thought but still. However, with that idea, comes that quote.  Even as a lesser man, it’s still a job to inspire others to become greater.  Say it’s sad, mad, stupid, to think that, but it’s still the most inspired thought i’ve had in 8 months that doesn’t drive me to drink.   

Sad? maybe. Disgusting? Probably.  I’m a white guy who thinks he can do something crazy, and never get noticed for it.  but that’s the way it works, that’s the people I’ve loved trying to understand.  Teachers, Stagehands, Cafeteria workers, and million other jobs that mean more then anybody else.  

Tell me one thing.  Who has had more influence on your life, a teacher, (good or bad), or some billionaire that doesn’t give 2 flying fucks about you?